Friday, June 29, 2007

I turned 34 today.
This birthday has been looming and I’ve been dreading it like a person dreads the last drop of water on earth. I wasn’t sure what was bringing on this reluctance, this avoidance of another year past, until now.

It’s that simple, it’s the passing of another year. 365 days that fall behind me, discarded carelessly like yesterdays clothes. And that’s how I feel my life has passed, carelessly.

So many things I have soldiered through in the last four years, it ceased being about the quality of life and became the necessity of it. So many months I was just putting one foot in front of the other trying to keep myself upright and do what needed doing.

This year I have awoken from my coma. Wings have unfurled under a brighter sun and what used to be me has yawned and awoken with the kiss of time. But with that awaking comes light into places I’d rather keep dark, aspects about myself that I’d rather not face. The fact that I am in a job that does not challenge me, that I let my weight get the better of me because I felt I didn't deserve better because I was alive when she was dead, that I’m alone in this world when I’d rather be sharing it. All these things have crowded to the front demanding attention when I’m much more used to not being able to notice them behind the emergencies clamoring for my attention.

So the passage of another birthday has been a hard lump to swallow. Yet I am still here, still putting one foot in front of the other and the important thing is I am waking to the sun.

So this birthday is about looking to the future, about embracing and accepting those things about myself that I can not change today and beginning the change for tomorrow; because my tomorrows are full of promise.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Itchy scratchy fingers of dread
Climbing up my spine
Vertebrae by vertebrae
Tangling in my hair
Pulling taut the skin of my face
Exposing my teeth in a humorless grin

Tension pulling my shoulders straight
My head a burdon to my shoulders
Hips tight
Legs poised
To run

Jitters skittering down my arms
Tip tapping into my finger tips
Constantly moving
For it
Whatever “it” is

“It’s” coming
just around the bend
any moment now
the other shoe
waiting to fall

like a duck
I’m serene on the surface
Picture of poise
While below I’m paddling like crazy

Just trying to stay afloat

If Boys Ruled the World
Monday, June 25, 2007

Dropping Kendell off at the Boys and Girls Club this morning, I pulled into a parking spot and started to gather my things when I noticed Kendell staring at the sign with a hound dog look.

I take a look myself, trying to find the source of his is melancholy, but all I see is a plain old sign.
In bright summer blue letters it states, "Boys and Girls Club".

I turn back to him and watch him stare at the sign for a few moments more before he lets out a plaintive sigh, his words blowing out with his breath,
"Ooooh, why can't it just be, "The Boys Club'".

Ten Seconds till Blast Off!
Wednesday, June 20, 2007

My toe is going to explode!

You might now ask yourself why I’m sharing this blurry picture of a bump on my toe….

If you’re asking yourself that, then you don’t recall that I am strange and have no shame, now you might remember.

I think it’s an ingrown nail...but I dunno. Notice the dark piece that you might think is dirt…heck no! It’s a scab where I tried to dig out the ingrown nail that I now think is a figment of my imagination.

Gangrene anyone??

The Package
Monday, June 18, 2007

It’s a beautiful day for a baseball game
The sky is clear and blue
It’s warm and balmy out
The people are laughing, everyone enjoying the day
and its dollar beer and hot dog night…can’t beat that

I have dragged my friend along for this game, knowing the idea of dollar beers was just to tempting to resist…even if what she did know about baseball couldn’t fill a shot glass.

We sat there under the late afternoon sun, sipping beer that tastes like watered down pee
Bullshitting with the army guys around us
Critiquing the players butts, you know, girl talk

She leans towards me, the smell of hops floating on her breath
“Oh my God Kara! Look at that guys….”
“That guys what?” I ask
“You know….” She responds with the wiggling of eye brows and a few non subtle hand gestures

I glance at the player she is indicating, noticing the distinct bulge in the area of his baby maker
I have to laugh
I turn to her, “It’s a cup” I announce
“Cup? What’s a cup?”
“Girl, your little boy is in deep trouble when he’s old enough to play sports. A cup is a piece of athletic equipment designed to protect a man’s package.”
“Ohhhhh” she says, the beer making her inspection of the player seem something akin to an old man checking out a young buxom beauty.
“Come on,” I say “did you really think they managed to find EIGHT well endowed men to play baseball??”
“One can dream can’t she?”

It's in the Blood
Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Kendell and I are getting our favorite bagels at the local shop Saturday. Standing in line to pay way too much for wads of dough (oh I am funny aren’t I) I fall into the no man lands of line boredom.
“Mom,” Kendell looks up at me while poking at his incisors with his finger.

“Why are these teeth so sharp and pointy?”

I look down at him pretending to give this question great consideration while the gears in my head start whirring madly and the “get your kid back” alert is echoing down the caverns of my brain.

Deadpan, I sigh and say, “Well, I wasn’t going to tell you this yet, but when you turn 16 you’re going to turn into a vampire.”

“Nu uh,… really?” he asks

Ignoring the look of disapproval from the Barbara Bush wannabe behind me, I leaned in confidentially and said, “Soon as you start craving blood, just you let me know.”

With that I straightened up, paid for our bagels and took my little Vlad out to the car.

Authors Note: I also had “fangs” till about eighth grade, surprisingly no one ever wanted me to give them hickeys…

Monday, June 11, 2007

I loved a man once
Loved him with the every molecule that permeates my existence
From the curling follicles of my hair to the fuchsia pink of my toe nails

I packed my hopes and dreams up in his pocket
Planned a future full of finished sentences and private jokes
I jotted my name down on paper and married myself to him with pen
Daydreamed a thousand nights in his arms, breathing him in with every inhale
Loving him in ways that would make my mother blush

I once lost the man I love
Watched him drive away, the gravel kicking up dust
Surrounding his truck in a cloud, each particle, days of the years we had spent together
I lay down on the couch, my head in my mother’s lap, knees curled in
I sobbed out all my dreams, my plans, my life
They lay forgotten, lost in his back pocket as he drove away

I lost who I was once
Mired in pain so deep I wondered how I did not just stop being
How could I not fade away without seeing myself reflected in his eyes
I wiped away my heart with each tear that fell
May I never love this way again
May I never hope for things so foolish
May I never lay in lovers arms and forget that what comes on wings,
May take flight and disappear on the horizon

So young, I buried that love for a man who never knew what he left
I turned my heart inward, covered it in stones
Folded my dreams away
Packed among sachets and faded memories
Promised myself never to let this happen again

And I haven’t…not once

Alone I have walked my life
I stopped dreaming somewhere along the way
Broken things don’t repair without help
I’ve been broken a long time

Reasons to diet
Wednesday, June 06, 2007

So I didn't get the job I interviewed for.

The gal that did get it? Cute, Tiny, Blond, and much less qualified
then myself.

...go figure (figure..HA, I crack myself up)

Caution: Signs Ahead
Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Driving to the mechanic the other day I saw this sign:

and I have to ask myself, What exactly do they expect us to do?


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  • Name:Kara
  • Location: Tacoma, Washington, United States
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