Disillusioned
Thursday, September 07, 2006

Evidently Kendell got off at the wrong stop yesterday. Luckily for me he was able to hitch a ride from a friends mother and make it home where he stewed and pouted till I came home two hours later.

This year is hard on me. He has to catch the bus after I've left for work and he has to be home alone till I get home from work. All this on his small shoulders and it makes me wallow in anxiety. I know things will get better, but knowing I have no support system...It's hitting home hard right now.

The words that come to mind when I put fingers to keys...they are humorless in their stark mark of black against a white screen. I miss my mother so much these days. Her presence is an absence that keens inside me.

The child support modification hearing is this 19th and all along I feel as if the fates are conspiring against me. I didn't receive the paperwork so I called my support officer, he lets me know the date and that it will be a phone hearing. I call back two weeks later when I still haven't received the paperwork and request it get sent. I receive it and find out I have to call in, something they failed to tell me. I called the attorney for DCS and find out I didn't receive the whole package because I need to provide information about my income, not to mention she doesn't even have my file. Kendell's father is trying to reduce his support obligation to $25 a month, but surprisingly, he can afford an attorney to help him. Something I can't afford.

He has no income because he's a criminal. Seems I chose the wrong path, I should have gone on welfare, had a life of crime no one could find out about and then I wouldn't be held accountable for all the things in my life. I would have a nice college education paid for by Washington State and I would have had more lawyers up his nether regions trying to squeeze every last dime out...if just to pay back the state.

He hasn't paid more then six hundred dollars Kendells entire 11 years. So the system will look at that he has no income record, maybe take note of the attorney he paid for, and reduce the support he has never paid, down to minimal.

While I still have to cloth, house and feed my son with no help. All because I lead an honest life. All because I get up every day and work. All because I go without new shoes and clothes so my son does not.

There are men out there who are stand up people, I know this. But then there are men that think because they did not bear this child, they do not have to see to their future. I hate those men. I hate the system that enables them and I hate being angry about things I can not change.

My mother posted the following poem on my wall one day when I was sixteen. She knew me, inside and out, knew that I struggled with my perception of the world and the justice it didn't seem to grant to those who deserved it. She knew that on days like today, these words would be a balm to a torn soul:


The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world's it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr






15 Comments:
Blogger Carrie had this to say:

Oh hun, don't fret. Just look at it this way...you made it this far. At least you don't have a baby on your hip and not knowing what to do next.

As for the creep that doesn't want to pay, the government has to step up. I mean he has a place to live right? Then he should pose some of the responsibilities.

I know you miss your mom. Just hang in there. I love the serenity prayer. It always puts me in my place.

12:10 PM, September 07, 2006 

Blogger Kirsten had this to say:

I agree with Carrie, look at how far you've come. I have so much respect for single mothers, because I can't even imagine how hard it must be. I know I wouldn't be able to do it, especially without a support system. I hope someday you find a man who deserves you.

12:46 PM, September 07, 2006 

Anonymous ficklechick had this to say:

You're doing an amazing job! I have a dead beat ex that's never paid me a dime. But I only had to do it alone for a couple of years. I remarried a wonderful man that adopted my son and treats him no different than the three kids we have together.

My hat is off to you. I know how overwhelming it is. Hang in there! :)

6:47 PM, September 07, 2006 

Anonymous ficklechick had this to say:

You're doing an amazing job! I have a dead beat ex that's never paid me a dime. But I only had to do it alone for a couple of years. I remarried a wonderful man that adopted my son and treats him no different than the three kids we have together.

My hat is off to you. I know how overwhelming it is. Hang in there! :)

6:47 PM, September 07, 2006 

Blogger TamWill had this to say:

I was cursed with an ex just like yours. I don't understand men that shirk their responsibilities. Hang in there and keep on keeping on, because it won't always be as hard as it is now. You are the steady rock in your son's life and he will always know that you were there and he could count on you.

7:04 PM, September 07, 2006 

Blogger kristen had this to say:

i am so so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. the deadbeat dad thing makes my blood boil for you!

kendell is going to be okay. better than okay, in fact. he knows that you have to work. he might get frustrated, but inside, he knows. and he knows the love you have for him.

big hugs for you.

8:20 PM, September 07, 2006 

Anonymous InterstellarLass had this to say:

You're a fantastic mom. I just know it. I wish I knew some guys that could come take what he owes out of his hide. The one thing you have to hold on to though is that your son is going to be a reflection of YOU not of a dead-beat @$$hole. His influence is most certainly not missed.

8:21 PM, September 07, 2006 

Blogger Red Hot Sexy Papa had this to say:

I believe Kendell appreciates your presence (every moment) in his life. He may not show it but I'm sure he will :)

I can't believe I wrote that. Are you going to cry now?

9:25 PM, September 07, 2006 

Blogger mlah had this to say:

start pursuing back child support. he has a car rigt? seize it. hire an attorney who works for results only. he may get ahuge chunk of them, but at least you'll get something. and it'll help put kendell through college.

i wish you all the luck in the world girl.

2:50 AM, September 08, 2006 

Anonymous Gypsy had this to say:

Parents like that disgust me. $25/mo?? That's a spit in the face.

I'm so sorry, dearheart. It may not feel like it in your day-to-day life, but know you have lots of us out here in the ether cheering in your corner.

6:53 AM, September 08, 2006 

Blogger Carrie had this to say:

Here it is a day later and I am still fuming about this.

Question? Does the government tax child support?

9:05 AM, September 08, 2006 

Blogger KaraMia had this to say:

Thanks guys, i've been so down with the money issues this is just a blow that sometimes overwhelmes my normal sense of humor. You're support means alot to me! The funny thing is he owes over 48,000 in back support and has never had a tracable income. Hard to garnish what you can't find. Gypsy is right, it's an insult. Even if they reduce it, I still wont get anything. It's just having to go through all the motions knowing that it will probably go against Kendell and me and benefit him...the same guy who seems to get away with everything. Frustrating.
Kicker...they wont prosecute him because he has a criminal history and they dont feel it's a detterent to his "type" of person...GAG ME

11:59 AM, September 08, 2006 

Blogger KaraMia had this to say:

oh, and Carrie,...nope, at least not in Washington..nor can the person paying child support claim it as a loss of income.

12:00 PM, September 08, 2006 

Blogger kari had this to say:

Men who get away with this crap suck. By the way...one of my favorite prayers.

12:50 PM, September 08, 2006 

Blogger Cece had this to say:

Pleas hang in there. I know its hard being a single mom, dealing with a dead beat dad, criminal who won't pay shit. My sister is going through the EXACT same thing you are right now. So I felt every word you wrote.

I agree, your son appreciates you. Its hard, I know it is. And nothing any of us can say will make it any easier, but you've come this far on your own, you CAN do it.

{{hugs}}

1:59 PM, September 08, 2006 

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