Yes, you heard right...a date, with..a man (just in case you were wondering if it was with a simian).
It has reinforced an opinion that has been circling my brain like a anorexic mosquito. I don't like to date...at all.
I don't date much because it's work. Since I'm not fond of work that I don't get paid for...well, hence no dating. However it's a dilemma because I am fond of sex. Preferably sex that includes said male species since batteries tend to die out or fizzle away when wet (who knew).
Also, Kendell has put in an order for a father, especially one who likes to fish and play baseball. Since I have yet to find the "Potential Daddy" aisle at Walmart, I guess that means I have to venture out of my comfy little shell and brave the shark infested waters of the mating world. Quick, go get me some waders!
I'm not much for bullshit, so you can imagine this goes over well on a first date. We all know the first date is full of a lot of shit. Shit is coming out of everyone's mouths like water is falling off the Niagara Falls. Shit is on the menu and even available for take out.
That's alot of shit people.
You don't really get to know the person the first date..but you do get to know if this person ever has a chance of remotely stepping foot anywhere near your bedroom, yes..the shit is a good indicator of looming of bedroom occupotis.
But before we can even venture into shit land we have to get past Child Security. In my case that includes an interview by Kendell for any potential Dad/Mom love slave, applicants.
You might think an interview with a child is a no brainer...but you haven't met Kendell. He will find your weaknesses and turn you into a pile of chocolate pudding fit for pint sized consumption. He also reverts from willing Mother seller to prison warden in two seconds flat. He wants to know when I'll be home, where I'm going, and what I'll be doing there. There are also strongly worded warnings against kissing of any kind!
Once we have passed the child interrogation safely and left him behind to streak and terrorize his sitter at will, we venture forth into what polite company calls dinner. I call it the Jeopardy from HELL. "I'll take, 'Enduring Bad Jokes' for fifty, Alex."
I seem to have lost my ability to converse with someone I don't know. It's not that I can't think of something to say...I just takes so much damn effort to pretend I'm nice. You can imagine this is a great way to break the ice...kinda like the Titanic and about as successful.
I trudge ahead like the little soldier I am and rally the troops with the promise of dessert. Dessert that promptly comes back to haunt me when the dancing commences. Most men think dancing is foreplay, however if they had a mirror they might realize it's rather effective as birth control.
After convincing my date that "yes, I really DO want to go home." and "No, I really don't think a menage a trois is considered a double date."...It's time for the kiss goodnight. You can imagine my joy. The idea of swapping spit with a near stranger who just tried to impersonate Michael Jackson on the dance floor while pressing so close that the buckle of his belt is permanently etched into my belly...why it just makes me want to run screaming into the suburbs...but I don't. I pucker up like a good girl, hoping to God he doesn't try to use his tongue, when I feel what must be a weed whacker making mincemeat out of the soft skin of my face and the insistent probing of two lips that feel like dead fish, all to the pounding baseline of my son who is pressed against the window, shaking his fists and yelling, "I Told You NO KISSING!"
I'm gonna just buy fifteen cats and call it good.
-
Karen had this to say:
Oh geez, that has to be really, really hard! I can't imagine diving into the dating pool since I was never really in it back when I was single - usually just circling around the pool deck peering in hopefully.
I say keep your standards high and continue to let Kendell be your personal bodyguard. He sounds like a keeper!
Michele sent me. Hope you're having a great weekend!- 4:47 PM, September 08, 2006
-
LBA had this to say:
Oh my.
This *was* a funny read, but then, I hear your horror too. Ugh. Especially the whippersnipper tongue, the MJ danching, the beltbuckle press UGH UGH UGH !
Thank God for your son, the saviour at the window...
Michele sent me today, i'm intrigued enough to come back on my own again, however :)- 5:02 PM, September 08, 2006
-
Kal had this to say:
Thank God I've been dating the same woman since senior year in high school... I don't think I could handle that.
- 5:43 PM, September 08, 2006
-
smizzo had this to say:
OMG, no..it couldn't have been THAT bad. Could it? ;) Even though it sucks, don't buy the cats! Give it a few more times, you never know.
OMG. I cancelled my live feeds. I'm devastated. I wore a black skirt and a black top, today - I'm mourning the demise of Janelle.
I want to pluck Booger's eyes out.- 6:12 PM, September 08, 2006
-
had this to say:
Gee, my husband is looker better and better. ;)
Hang in there, you'll meet someone. I met my husband on a blind date. We were fixed up by my mother.
Miracles do happen. :)- 10:40 PM, September 08, 2006
-
Jodi had this to say:
Oh baby, I have SO been there, done that! It gets better.
J.- 2:42 PM, September 09, 2006
-
*~*Cece*~* had this to say:
Aw man,I don't envy you at all. I can't imagine the dating scene again.{{shudder}}
- 3:05 PM, September 10, 2006
-
had this to say:
Yuck. I'm sorry it was a bad date. Dating is no fun. When I found a guy I liked, I quit and married him. I guess I got lucky. Hopefully you'll get lucky too.
- 9:11 AM, September 11, 2006
-
Carrie had this to say:
Snicker. I'm with you Kara. Before Adam and I got back together, I dated 11 men. 11 men in 1 year! It sucked. I weeded out several potentials but then the awkwardness of being alone with them set in. I am really bad because I am so shy.
I always looked forward to the date until an hour before. That is when I wanted to puke and hope that I would not have a panic attack. I have walked out of dates several times. It gets easier. I was a professional by the end. I knew the right things to say and could point out the shit in a second. I wish I would have blogged about it because it was a wild trip.
Hang in there!- 10:00 AM, September 11, 2006
-
had this to say:
I will not take my boyfriend for granted.
I will not take my boyfriend for granted.
I will not take my boyfriend for granted.
I will not take my boyfriend for granted.
Ugh! Dating. No. This is why drunken hookups in bars always worked better for me. Liquid courage, slurred conversation, selective memory (you could just forget all about that Michael Jackson dance thing), and beer goggles. I just got lucky that one of those drunken hookups happened to be with a bright, cute, funny, sexy guy.- 10:03 AM, September 11, 2006
-
ƒåυνέ had this to say:
Good things come to those that wait. :) It'll work out.
- 10:31 AM, September 11, 2006
-
Unknown had this to say:
Lately a cheeseburger seems to be all I need on a Friday night. I'm with you on this one!
- 11:09 AM, September 12, 2006
-
TamWill had this to say:
I gave up on dating for many years, but no one is going to come knocking on the door if you don't go out. It is terrible but then you find the one that makes you look forward to a movie or dinner and the rest is history.
Bad Kisser = last date :O)
Your son sounds dandy!- 9:13 AM, September 15, 2006
-
Janet had this to say:
I'm not a single mother, but I'd have to imagine there's a lot of pressure to get dating right. Not only are you screeing potential "candidates" for yourself, you're screening them for your child, too. I give people a lot of credit who do it the right way.
- 4:30 PM, September 16, 2006
-
Unknown had this to say:
Popping in from a recommendation by...somebody. Sorry I can't remember. Maybe Frog My Blog?
Anyhoo, you're in my favorites and when I have some time to...well, when I don't want to get any real work done, I start popping in to catch up on blogs.
This was a great post. I loved it. I can't imagine dating again, mostly because most men are shit. Have you seen that C & W (not that I like C & W, but I was surfing and stumbled upon it) video/song about men and the women have special glasses to wear so they can see what's written on the men's foreheads and thereby skipping all the loser's and poser's?
Now my turn for a**vice. Listen baby, let it all hang out right up front. If they don't like ya then you won't have to put up with nasty ole tongues and belt buckle tattos. S'just my take on things. If my husband dies or leaves me, I'm done. I have no tolerance any more for men. But I do know a cool guy in your area as well as a really cool guy in England who wants children and wants to move here. Let me know!!
I'll give you their blog links and you can go over them with a fine tooth comb prior to contact.
Thanks for letting me comment,
♥Pam- 7:35 AM, September 17, 2006
-
had this to say:
Good for you for keeping your head high! You sound like a smart woman -- and a great mom.
You're brave for getting back out there!
Best to you,
Rachel
www.singlemomseeking.com
Single Mom Seeking: Play Dates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World (December '06, Avalon/Seal Press)- 1:18 PM, November 07, 2006
