Helplessness
Monday, March 06, 2006

It's been rough this last year. Money has been non existent and I think we have held on just because I'm so damn stubborn. I've tried really hard to keep up and things have gotten better lately, my head has surfaced above water and I've been able to breathe.

I just learned that my doctors office doesn't have record of my making payments. You can imagine how this makes me feel when I know I have been paying every month and had thought my balance was paid off.

It's even worse because I'm at work and I can't go through my paperwork to prove that I have made them till I get home.

I'm an instant gratification kinda person. Meaning, it drives me crazy to have to wait till I get home to look.

This feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. Even though I know that when I get home I can find what I need, it still cartwheels me backwards into the past and all the struggles I thought were behind me.

This is my greatest fear, helplessness. Even though rationally I know I'll be fine. Fear unfurls in my belly like the waking of a terrible beast. It's tendrils stretching through my body, shaking my hands, making my breaths short and fast. My heartbeat mimics panic, a quick tattoo of beats pressing against my head, pounding in my ears. My eyes droop with the weight of tears and my smile is false and painted.

Joy today is a remote concept. Anxiety my bread and butter. I want so much to be strong and capable, but how can I be when one little misunderstanding sends me into the throes of despair?

I'm so tired of fighting, so tired of shouldering it all. So weary of tears.

Everyone thinks I'm strong.

Everyone is wrong, I just pretend I am.

Maybe if I pretend long enough, I'll eventually believe it.






3 Comments:
Blogger Radioactive Jam had this to say:

Dealing with doctors' accounting/billing is one of the most stressful things I know. And when they act as if they're incapable of error - argh! Hope you find some peaceful moments and the strength you need to carry you through until you can get them straightened out.

12:26 PM, March 06, 2006 

Anonymous Anonymous had this to say:

I KNOW U ONLY TOO WELL... REMEMBER?
WATCHING U GO THROUGH IT AND NOT BEING ABLE TO HELP U,HAS MADE MY HART HEAVY....IT IS NOT EASEY TO GO THRU WHAT U AND ALL OF US HAD TO.JUST REMEMBER...WHEN U FEEL U HAD ENOUGH..I AM HUGGING U AND ROOTING U ON...LIL ONE!!
LIFE IS NOT EASEY AND TO QUOTE MY MOST FAVORITE SONG IT SOMES IT UP AND IT`S MY THEME SONG.IN ONE VERSE IT SAYS..EVERY DAY IT SEEMS HARDER TO TELL RIGHT FROM WRONG,U GOT TO READ BETWEEN THE LINES... DON`T BE DISCOURAGED..DON`T BE AFRAID..WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH ANOTHER DAY..MAKE IT WORTH THE PRICE WE PAY...fIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT EVERY MONENT EVERY MINUTE EVERY DAY FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT EVERY MOMENT IT YOUR ONLY WAY..
NOW THAT SONG IS FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT FROM TRIUMPH.LISTEN TO IT.
AND REMEMBER WE ARE THINKING OF U AND ARE BEHIEND U..
I KNOW U ARE STRONG..IT JUST GETS HARDER AND HARDER TO BE STRONG WHEN THE SH.T HITS THE FAN AFTER SHOVELING IT AWAY FROM THE FAN FOR SO LONG!!REMEMBER WE LOVE U!!! WE ARE ROOTING FOR U..WE HAVE NO WAY TO HELP U EXCEPT MOARLLY!!!
AND WE DO CARE
YORE REDNECK BROYHER INLAW

9:42 PM, March 06, 2006 

Blogger Staci had this to say:

Bless your heart. Big **hug** for you. I know how those kind of days are.

When I have those stressful days, I take Klonopin. They help take the edge off....

Think happy thoughts, after all tomorrow is right around the corner.

11:04 AM, March 07, 2006 

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  • Name:Kara
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