I remember his arms, how safe they made me feel when wrapped around me. My soul yearns for that safety, reaches for it when I lay between the covers; a bystander to my hearts desires that rise unbidden past slumbering defenses.
The sun beats down upon our heads as we say our goodbyes, it should be raining, I think. "I'll be back" he says, "I love you".
I watch as he pulls away and drives down the road trailing my dreams behind him like a banner and I know he's gone. The heat of summer blazes against my back as I drop to my knees in the gravel, the bite of the rocks almost pleasant to the roaring in my ears. Even then, something deep and wise knew the truth.
The whole world was on fire
no one can save me but you.
I would wear his cologne, torturer to my victim, as if the smell of him would act as a balm and fill in the hole in my heart that was left behind with his clothing. Forgotten, like me.
"Don't worry, I'll be back soon." How I clung to those words, refusing to let them go, engraving them onto the worry in my head like a tattoo covering an ex lovers name.
Strange what desire will make foolish people do.
Tears, rivers of tears so full that I should never cry again. My bed empty without his weight beside mine. The outline of him I traced in the space he left. My nose to his pillow, till even the scent of him had left me behind.
Phone calls to voice mail, filleting open fresh wounds with his recorded words.
"Marry me" he had said. Just believe, throw away years of caution, so I did. Silly girl.
This love is only gonna break your heart.
Over and over, how could I not go mad with this wanting, this cavernous empty ache.
How could this not be forever. How do you love someone so much and not have them feel the same. The rightness, the fit, the cookie to my cutter.
What a wicked thing to say
you never felt this way.
"I'm not coming back" he said matter of factly, as if I should have known this...and I should have. "It's been over for a long time now." For who? I wanted to scream at him. Not for me. Not when you call and make me laugh, and say loving things to me. Not when I ask if everything is the same, if you still love me and you say yes. Was I your fall back? Your safety net in case ?....just in case?
What a wicked thing to do
to let me dream of you
"Stop calling me" I would plead, yell, scream. His patience outweighed my anger, he waited...waited just to make sure...safety net.
"Let me move on, more forward" I would say, beg.
'I can't love anyone with your ghost haunting me' I would think.
No I don't want to fall in love....with you.
Years file past, neat soldiers lined in a row. I move forward, that small part of me that was broken still stumbles behind me. I see her from the corner of my eye, I wont forget her, leave her behind. She humbles me, reminds me what love can do.
"I want to come see you...just visit" his voice is the same. His laugh. He still makes me laugh.
I can see his smile, feel his arms, smell his scent. I can still taste his lips on mine if I try. I don't. Not anymore.
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.
I haven't felt the deep fall of love in so long. The slow decent into heated depths. It's sidelong glances and soft slow caress. It's a temptress I remember well. I cast her out cold and barren on my doorstep. I buried her with his cologne, his forgotten shirt...my dirty little secret, having loved someone more then they loved me. Love is whore and I no longer wanted to partake of her services.
"Just for a few days..." oh the temptation licks at my lips like an avid lover and I want it. That small broken figure stares at me, she knows what I don't want to hear.
What wicked games you play, to make me feel this way,
what a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you
No I don't wanna fall in love...with you.
(Wicked Game, Chris Isaak)
-
had this to say:
Beautifully written. I can hear the ache...almost feel it.
What do *you* want?- 5:30 AM, December 27, 2006
-
Carrie had this to say:
So much more makes sense.
Love is like death. It's time is always right.
love ya!- 8:33 AM, December 27, 2006
-
Carrie had this to say:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
- 8:34 AM, December 27, 2006
-
Kara had this to say:
Jenny,
Not sure, that's the problem. This one was a hard one to write. Kinda like pulling your underwear down in public..lol.- 11:20 AM, December 27, 2006
-
had this to say:
What a beautiful post. Yours words are magic, I feel your pain.
- 12:57 AM, December 28, 2006
-
Kara had this to say:
Kirsten,
I cant get to your blog anymore....not surewhats wrong.- 1:47 AM, December 28, 2006
-
had this to say:
Wow, I never knew. Incredible the emotions that love takes us through. *hugs*
- 1:00 PM, December 28, 2006
-
had this to say:
Whichever you choose, just make sure you take care of your heart.
- 1:34 PM, December 28, 2006
-
had this to say:
"How do you love someone so much and not have them feel the same."
Baring my soul here in your comments rather than my blog (I don't want it there, I know he reads it occasionally). I feel that every, single day with Pman. I constantly feel myself wondering what I really mean to him and unfortunately, most of the time I come to the conclusion that he's just passing time and raising kids with me. I worry that when they go, so will he.- 7:49 AM, December 29, 2006
-
Carrie had this to say:
Oh Mind, please don't say stuff like that. Men don't know how to express themselves like us. Adam never told me he loved me until we got back together. He didn't know that it was important to say it. He always thought it was more important to express it.
I too say more on comments than I do on my blog.- 8:11 AM, December 29, 2006
-
Kara had this to say:
Sue,
I know what you mean. My mom always said that in a relationship someone will always love the other more. It's never even. Then she looked at me and said, "...and you need to be with someone who loves you more then you love them."...she's right. This man at least made sure of that. I'll never feel safe in a relationship where I love him more then he loves me. Selfish I guess, but it's true. I hope he's not marking time with you. i cant imagaine that's true, especially in a day where split families are so common. Have you ever asked? Scary thought to ask isn't it. Because what if he says yes...Oh yea, I understand that. Another thing my mom would say, "dont ask a question you don't want to hear the answer to."
Love is difficult territory.- 11:35 AM, December 29, 2006
-
had this to say:
I've tried to ask. Pman is, well, he's a closed book. No, wait, he's a freaking locked diary. We have many issues relating to his lack of opening up, but for the moment I choose to overlook that. It might change in the future and I'll demand more of him, but I might not. At this point I feel having him in my life is right. I just have a feeling of dread sometimes that is hard to overcome.
And yes, love is difficult territory.- 11:33 AM, December 30, 2006
-
had this to say:
That was lovely, Kara. And heartbreaking. It reminds me of the time Lancelot and I were apart.
- 10:03 PM, December 30, 2006
