On My Mind
Thursday, August 03, 2006

Mom,

Thoughts of you have been haunting me lately, the ghost of you a daily companion. I wonder if you send winged thoughts of me to flitter about, reminding me, trying to comfort me.

"I miss you mom" is a phrase that flashes through my thoughts at least once a day like a plane dragging a banner across the sky behind it. Unexpected and out of the blue it floats onto my consciousness, across my minds eye, and fades away into a distant spot on the horizon.

I've lost the words for what I miss, it's peeled down to an ache, a sense of cavernous emptiness and loss. Does it ever change Mom? Do I ever get to sit and remember the times you dragged me to some bowling banquet smelling of Chantilly and lipstick. Do I get to laugh at how you would be yelling at me in one instant and turn into Donna Reed the moment someone showed up at the door.

When does the pain fade away into acceptance Mom? When will I stop looking to your memory for answers..and forgiveness?

Words left unsaid burn their voices into my chest, setting aflame to the meat on my bones, clogging my throat with regret. When does the bleeding stop?

Two years,
Six months,
Two days...

When will I be able to let you go?






7 Comments:
Blogger Sudiegirl had this to say:

I lost my dad in October '05, and I wonder the same thing all the time.

I need a patch for my emotional hardware/software.

1:38 PM, August 03, 2006 

Anonymous InterstellarLass had this to say:

My grandmother passed almost three years ago. She and I were never close. And I've always wondered why. I have some ideas, and it hurts. I wish I would have known her better.

7:24 PM, August 03, 2006 

Blogger Red Hot Sexy Papa had this to say:

i understand that feeling. It is endearing :)

5:35 AM, August 04, 2006 

Blogger Yo Tambien Te Mando Besos had this to say:

Kara... I could simply say that time heals wounds, but I'm sure you've heard that too often. I could offer a hug but I'm sure your son's are a thousand times better. I do offer you my admiration for the woman you are, for what you do for your son and other things that make you my blogging heroin. And I'll send you the hug anyway ;)

8:56 AM, August 04, 2006 

Blogger Carrie had this to say:

That was beautiful. *Hugs*

9:03 AM, August 04, 2006 

Blogger Kal had this to say:

umm...

err...

It's getting a bit dusty in here...

(runs out, slamming the door behind)

9:21 PM, August 06, 2006 

Blogger Maya's Granny had this to say:

My father died in 1948, when I was six. In some ways, I've never let him go. You learn to live with it, like an amputee learns to live without the original limb. But, it never grows back. It is never like it never happened.

It did get very much better when I realized that if I had been given a choice to have my father for six years or someone else for my entire life, I would have chosen to have my father. I would not have missed knowing him and being loved by him for anything.

5:45 PM, August 10, 2006 

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