and yet keep beating
I can feel it, inside me. This aching quivering mass
thump thump, thump thump
banging a painful tattoo against my chest
I imagine it bloody
raw gaping wound pulsating in rhythm to the cadence of my tears
a sad dance of quiet despair, hidden from sight
I am walking wounded
so numb and yet so raw
every nerve ending screaming outloud
what quietly is killing my heart
If i could erase the memories
scribble you off my mind
i'd eradicate you completely without a second thought
Instead I just go on living
with your crimes inside my head
my heart a living legacy to love won and lost
and I wonder how you live with you
how easily you forgot
Friends are not infallible
I am not as strong as I thought, yet stronger then i imagined
sometimes you must break ties with the past in order to embrace the future.
Change is painful
I know now the friend I want to be
and I know because I found myself lacking that type of friend
I want to be loyal
I want to be the person who listens to the same hurt over and over
because I can
I want to be the rock you hold onto when the waves threaten to pull you from shore
I want to be the hand you reach for when there seems no hope
When everyone else has turned their back, I will stand strong and look you in the eyes
I will be truthful, even when it hurts, but kind in my delivery
I will love you as you are, not because you are who I want you to be
When you disappoint me, I will forgive
When you anger me, I will count to ten and try again
When distance threatens to make acquaintances of us, I will reach out and bridge the gap
I promise to laugh till we cry
I will be silly and expect you to do the same
I will endure things I would never otherwise do, because you want to try them
I will step outside my comfort zone
I will help you move
I will go see that stupid movie, just because you are dying to see it
Your secrets will be my secrets
I will dry your tears, your hurts, my hurts
and I will never, ever, walk away.
I think back on this year, and the disappointments I endured at the hands of people I thought were friends and I realized, sometimes in order to move forward, God makes it easy for us to let go of the past.
Today is just another day
I got up, got ready for work
The ghost of you followed me as I made the bed.
I could see you helping on your side
I pulled back the shower curtain and you were already there
My body took the space yours used to occupy
Your drawers are still yours. I can’t bear to use them
As I did my hair I could see your exasperated expression at wasted time
I can almost feel your hand in mine as I drive to work, our silence is comfortable and full
I look over at the seat next to me expecting you to be there
I can feel your hand as you run it over my hair, caress my cheek
My cell phone chirps and my first thought is that it’s you
But it never is
Today is just another day
You are a living ghost that haunts me
I still expect to roll over and cuddle into the warmth of your back
Your pillow is a pale substitute
I tell myself this is for the best
That I deserve better
Your smile mocks those thoughts
and the memory of your soft lips on my neck makes my heart ache
Today is just another day
That I have to get through
Without you in it
I wish my ghost was haunting you
