Miss You
Tuesday, April 17, 2007

There are still moments I reach for the phone to call you...and then my hand slowly falls to my side as I remember that you're gone. No phone line on earth has the strength to reach out and jingle the bell on your end of things.

This is where people like to say, "oh she can hear you, just talk to her"

That's so much bullshit. So much horse crap wrapped around my ankles that I fear I'll sink in deep like quicksand till it slides up my nose, smothering me in it. I can talk and talk till my voice grows hoarse and jagged and I still wont hear your voice, or smell your perfume; I wont feel the comforting weight of your hand on my arm.

there are days where the loss of you is still raw and serrated, the flesh pink and moist, quivering beneath my gaze.

Moments where the grief reaches out from the depths of my body and wraps cruelly calloused hands around my throat in a grip designed to choke and hurt, to render the end of me.

If I close my eyes I can still see you at home, sitting in your easy chair, listening to me as I bitch about my day, my life, my imagined slights. I see how the lamp light falls on your black hair, casting highlights that hide the encroaching grey. I smell the scents of woodsmoke from the fireplace and the dinner you have cooking on the stove and I can almost reach out and touch the arm of your chair from where I'm sitting. If I just stretch an inch more...I could feel home again, one last time.

And then I put down the phone because no matter how many times I dial, I will never hear your voice again.






14 Comments:
Blogger Augs Casa had this to say:

Gosh! I really like your writing!

1:35 PM, April 17, 2007 

Blogger Kal had this to say:

Very nice, as usual.

(the "horse crap" though is out of place and jarring... you could probably do without it, just a suggestion :) )


(But what the heck do I know? I spell worse than my fifth grader!)

4:55 PM, April 17, 2007 

Blogger Carrie had this to say:

You know I love it when you write about your mom. You always tear me up in that way.

9:25 AM, April 18, 2007 

Blogger Gypsy had this to say:

That's heartbreaking. :(

9:59 AM, April 18, 2007 

Blogger The "Mind" had this to say:

I love how easily you seem to put your pain into words. It's probably not, but your writing makes it seem that way.

1:49 PM, April 18, 2007 

Blogger Beej had this to say:

Wow. That just about sums it up.

People always say those things about talking and she'll hear you because they don't know what else to say. But it's not about me talking, it's about me hearing her.

At her wake one after another wellwisher promised me she was in a better place. To which I wanted to respond over and over "How the heck do you know? Which would you choose as your better place, wellwisher? Playing with your grandchildren or dead? Hmmm... dilemma."

8:00 AM, April 19, 2007 

Blogger The "Mind" had this to say:

Kara, I see Carrie didn't, but I have given you a Thinking Blogger award. Hope you don't mind. ;)

9:19 AM, April 19, 2007 

Blogger Cece had this to say:

That was a wonderful post, sweetie.

1:58 PM, April 19, 2007 

Blogger Flyinfox_SATX had this to say:

WOW...I am moved!

Flyinfox_SATX

3:05 PM, April 19, 2007 

Blogger nikki had this to say:

absofuckingly beautiful. i'm not even surprised, as your writing is so damn good!

this entry is squeezing me right now, as i've recently gone through something similar. it would be nice to have them here in the flesh and nothing anyone says will make really truly believe it's better they're gone.

10:56 AM, April 26, 2007 

Blogger Kal had this to say:

Hey - you've been quiet.

Hmm.... Things must be working out with the guy!

Bravo!

3:08 AM, May 03, 2007 

Blogger Cece had this to say:

Long time no post, girlfriend...

3:42 PM, May 09, 2007 

Blogger ƒåυνέ had this to say:

miss YOU

3:42 PM, May 11, 2007 

Blogger TamWill had this to say:

I feel your pain, you are awesome at putting your feelings into words that reach out and touch.

6:17 PM, May 13, 2007 

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