Adventures in Sunless Tanning
Wednesday, May 03, 2006

I have a tan line emergency. Recently Kendell and I spent a day outdoors and I received the worst cleavage tan line EVER. I was wearing a sports v-neck shirt so now I have a tan line in the shape of a small V on my chest. Problem? I now have an arrow of tan flesh pointing to my lilly white cleavage...It's attractive..if your into directional arrows.

So I had the brilliant idea of buying a sunless tanning product. I've tried these things once in the past. It resulted in an identity crisis, I looked like a zebra...an orange one.

I thought I'd give it one more chance since a few (lying bastards) friends have tried the spray on tan in a can and liked it.

This morning fresh from the shower I doused myself silly, paying extra attention to the glow in the dark area around my v-neck tan. Ten minutes later, standing buck naked in the bathroom I realize I'm not drying. I have a half hour before I have to go to work and drop Kendell off at the bus stop and I'm still WET.

I'm smart, I can figure this out. I stand in front of the heater in the bathroom. This only seems to make me hot. So now I'm hot, wet and sweaty. There's a burning smell that's got me wondering, "Is this stuff flammable??"...Shit.

Meanwhile Kendell wants into the bathroom; this is a no go because seeing his mother arms and legs spread akimbo doing my best scarecrow imitation and without a stitch on will assuredly leave scars for life. This is one chapter I do NOT want written in a tell all book.

I turn off the heat and decide a blow dryer is the next best option. I try hot heat, then the cool setting, then back again. It's not working, however, my hair looks fabulous.

I try to do my makeup while standing there...in natures glory. I don't mind the look at yourself naked for a minute, but I'm bordering on 30 minutes here and it's getting a bit old. There is only so much an ego can take.

I'm sticky, still damp and I need to leave. I make the executive decision to wipe off what I can and get dressed. I realize that tonight when I peel off my work clothes, the chances are they will be tanner then me.

Now i'm at work, grouchy, smelling of tanning chemicals and I just noticed...I have orange ankles

Damn you self tanning creators! Damn. You!!!






9 Comments:
Blogger Babble had this to say:

LOL Oh I hate to laugh at your comical situation but it is funny.

I used to use tanning creams when I was High school and college the first few times out in shorts so I didn't look like snow white but I always hated how it looked after you shaved your legs. All stripe like.

8:24 AM, May 04, 2006 

Blogger Jugglernaut had this to say:

Hi, Michele sent me! You're inspiring me to embrace my translucency today. :-)

9:15 AM, May 04, 2006 

Blogger OldOldLady Of The Hills had this to say:

Well, this soubds absoulutely horrible! I have never tried any of that stuff, and having read this, the chances are I won't EVER try it! (LOL)

Here from Michele today.

9:48 AM, May 04, 2006 

Blogger Tickneen had this to say:

Who is michele? Anyway, your morning sure sounds funny! Sure hope no peeping toms were checking you out in the bathroom LOL, "what is that lady doing in there?" I can here them say. Oh, I hope your day goes better and let us know how the work clothes peel off goes!

9:52 AM, May 04, 2006 

Anonymous Nienke had this to say:

Hi KaraMia. Thx for dropping by my blog. I've recently been toying with the idea of sunless tanning, but not now! THx for the tip.

10:57 AM, May 04, 2006 

Blogger Sue had this to say:

I have had the orange experience before and thought I might try the "new" air brush stuff but,,,I think NOT!! Here via michele's today.

11:17 AM, May 04, 2006 

Blogger Undercover Angel had this to say:

Hello, Michele sent me. I know the orange thing all too well. I'm better to actually lay in the sun because artifical tanning always makes me look like a carrot.

1:00 PM, May 04, 2006 

Blogger carrotpenis had this to say:

Michelle sent me! Great post. There is a hilarious Friends episode where Ross goes to a spray on tan place. You should check it out.

2:15 PM, May 04, 2006 

Blogger My float had this to say:

Oh this made me laugh! I too have had that orange experience. And the smell doesn't go away for hours!

Thanks for visiting my blog today!

4:45 PM, May 04, 2006 

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