Six months after my mother passed I found myself taking breaks so I could go cry in the bathroom. Driving home from work with no one but my demons for company became a torturous route.
You see, my mother didn't just pass away one night in her sleep. She endured three months of a hospital stay and seven surgeries. She spent most of that time in drug induced coma because her chest was being held open in order to try and keep an eye on her sternum. While she slept, the house we lived in caught fire.
My sister and I lived this nightmare with her. We were there every day, trying to function normally while making life and death decisions. One minute I am seeing my sons teacher for the parent teacher conference, the next I am with the insurance adjuster for the house, and then off to the hospital to make a decision for my mother that she couldn't make for herself.
After everything was said and done and the frantic pace we had kept settled back into some normality the enormity of what we had just went through began to leak through.
Cracks appeared in my daily life. I was like a wind up toy that had been wound too tight and now I kept bumping myself into this wall trying to wind down, only I never did.
This was when I went for help.
Paxil came in like a soft, down blanket and soothed my world for me. It didn't make the monsters go away, but it gave me that distance so I could deal with them. Panic attacks stopped coming as often and I started coming out of my room on the weekend. No one really knows how close I came to a break down, but I know I was teetering. I had one foot over the edge and the only thing keeping me from stepping off was Kendell.
I remember the shame I felt the first time I had my prescription filled. Would someone know? Can they see it tattooed on my forehead? Does this make me weak?
No, it made me strong enough to know when to ask for help. I firmly believe that.
And now I'm strong enough to know, I no longer need it.
It's been two years of climbing uphill but I'm finally able to scale this mountain without help.
You've been here with me on this journey whether you knew it or not. The ups and downs in my writing; the painful leaking of personal stories that escaped from my finger tips.
I thank you for the comfort of knowing that someone out there was listening. Listening to me laugh, joke, rant, and cry.
Today I celebrate growth with a drink of my choice:
Life...straight up please.
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utenzi had this to say:
Michele sent me, KaraMia.
Drugs definitely have their benefits. I was one of those people that wouldn't even take asprin but my ex-wife convinced me to try Midrin for my migraines. It worked! Since then I love drugs!
Losing your Mother in such a drawn out and brutal way is difficult enough but then having to deal with so much damage to your home and the resulting decisions--that's Hell.- 11:44 AM, June 09, 2006
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Gypsy had this to say:
Thanks so much for sharing that. Congratulations on this positive step!
- 11:52 AM, June 09, 2006
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verniciousknids had this to say:
Michele sent me...and congratulations on your new drink of choice!
- 12:58 PM, June 09, 2006
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Just a trumpet player had this to say:
It takes a great deal of courage and admit we need help : you were were able to do it...
Michele sent me this time ! Even though I am a regular visitor...
Have a great weekend !- 1:08 PM, June 09, 2006
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Unique Designs from Zazzle had this to say:
congratulations. onward and upward
- 3:38 PM, June 09, 2006
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had this to say:
My heart goes out to what you went through...and I'm glad you reached out and got help. Congrats on knowing you are now ready to be without the meds!
I lost my mom 21 years ago and it is still not easy some days. Its always good to reach out when those bad days come along. Here is a bloggers cyber hug for you. (((((HUGS))))
Here from Michele's- 3:42 PM, June 09, 2006
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had this to say:
Enjoyed a lot!
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